On a cold blistering evening of 13th of August, Roy is smoking a cigarette in the backyard of his house when a notification pops up on his phone.

“Let’s talk on Instagram? @mukta_a_” Said a notification from one of the dating applications.

Opening the application, he found his comment on one of Mukta’s pictures dated back to 8th August which said,

“I might fall in love, again, no, sincerely!”

Smirking over his own message he typed,

“Hey! Honestly, I was too high to say that. I was in a bad phase, I still am maybe. I am getting out of a serious relationship that ended years back. I was in denial all this while I guess. I should have seen that coming. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to!”

Nodding his head in disbelief, he erased everything.

“Hey! I am sorry for that message!” He replied.

“So changed your mind, haan?”

“No. Actually, I have a thing for white. I love that color, I loved it on her and I started loving it because of her. I still can’t make myself believe that it’s over now. The moments which were supposed to last forever are mere memories now. So, am I supposed to live with this forever?”

Dejected with his own words, he erased the message again.

“I guess so!” He replied and went to the application settings to uninstall the app.

“Ohh, so you are one of those?” Messaged Mukta.

Going back he replied,

“One of those?”

“Because a girl messaged late, you are being Sakht launda”

Smiling at her message, he replied,

“Well two things, first, You are too beautiful for me to even try something like that. Second, I love Zakir Khan”

“What do you mean by too beautiful?”

“You are beautiful. And that’s what I meant. I don’t express as much, I don’t know how I said what I said. I should say these things more often though. Now I wish I could say this to her every day, all day, and see her blushing to her eyes. But I guess I took everything for granted, especially the best thing that happened to me” He typed going back to his memory lanes.

“Are you still there?” Mukta asked while still waiting for him to reply.

Erasing his message, he wrote,

“I had no intention of being “One of those”. I was hardly in my sense”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“There are people who you see and gasp in your breath about how beautiful they are. And they at that moment become your favorite person, or favorite people or just a dream which wakes you up smiling in your half-sleep. I lived that dream for five years and now I am probably looking for a mirage which will always be illusional” He typed his heart out and then erased it.

“What are you typing?” She asked.

“I was thinking about someone else when I sent that first message. I am sorry.” He replied instantly.

“Do you usually say sorry so much?”

“No. Not really. Forget about being sorry, there was a time when I couldn't even realize my mistakes. Even when she was disappointed with me I would wait for her to come to me and would never try to win her over. I wish I said sorry more often. More than I say nowadays.” As he went to send this message, her message popped in.

“You are too slow at this”

Having no reasons to tell Mukta all this, he erased the message and replied,

“I don’t wish to hurt anyone anymore, that’s why so much sorry”

“Why do you think people get hurt? You are not hurting me.”

“People get hurt when they expect. And keeping an expectation from me is like hoping for a view of mountains while sitting on a beach. I break the expectations, I break the promises. To live in a moment many times I forget about the priorities I should have. She was always my priority in my head, but I could never make her feel so.” He tried to understand his own words without the thought of sending them across.

“Erase now,” Said Mukta.

Erasing his message he asked,

“Erase?”

“You won’t send what you just wrote, so erase that”

“Why are you still talking to me?”

“Hey, that’s rude”

“See. Now you get me. This is what I hate about myself. I get rude to people even when I don’t intend to be. We have been talking for like ten minutes and see where it has gotten us. She was with me for five years, it would have been horrible for her.” He typed again intending to send it this time.

“I am talking because now I’m curious about what you are typing but not sending across” Mukta’s message popped up.

Erasing his message again, he wrote,

“I don’t think I should”

“Does she look like me? Your ex?” Mukta asked.

“No”

“I mean, is there any similarity between me and her?”

“The white top you are wearing. She has a similar one”

“What are you doing here exactly? Looking for someone like her or just her?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I am not looking for her or someone like her.”

“Did you have your closure?” She asked.

Thinking for a while he wrote,

“No, I didn’t. I did ask her to do what’s best for her. I even told her that I would be happy about whoever she chose to be with. I know she is the person who has loved me the most in my life and I have not been the same. Now when she is gone, I feel as if I am gasping for my breath, as if someone has pushed me into a pool of water and I am seeking her hand. I feel I am running away, not just from her, from everyone, including myself.” Still making up his mind to send it, he waited.

“Can I say one last thing?” Her message popped up.

Erasing again, he asked

“What?”

“Send her all the messages you didn’t send to me. And start with the first thing you said to me. Do it. For yourself”

Roy kept reading this last message for a while until he had a sensation of burning a cigarette on his fingers. Setting out the cigarette on the ashtray, Roy uninstalls the application and searches for a name on his phone.

Stuck in subconsciousness, he tries to think consciously while staring at his phone.